There’s Just Spiders In Star Wars Now, Which Sucks For Me, An Arachnaphobe
Posted by Raphael Leynes November 13, 2020

Listen: I’m scared of spiders, okay? Since I was a little kid I’ve found them to be quite icky. I can’t look at one without screaming bloody, spidery murder. I can’t even think of them for prolonged periods of time without getting freaked out. Even typing what I have so far is kind of getting to me. 


I’m an Arachnaphobe. One of many. 


I’m also a big old nerd which means that every now and again I have to deal with ickies in my videogames, ickies in my comic books; and ickies in my movies.It’s just really insanely unfortunate that spiders, the bane of my barely-functioning psyche, are almost everywhere in geek culture for some apparent reason. For this, I have to keep tabs on which of my nerdy fandoms exhibit the symptoms of a spider and prepare myself accordingly. 


Image Credit: ed2go.com

Lord of the Rings has icky. Dark Souls has icky. Harry Potter has icky (and I’m not just talking about the author)


For the longest time, I thought I was safe in Star Wars, a long, hallowed franchise that has had its ups and its downs but never its spiders. However, to my unbridled misery and regret, that’s no longer the case. Something has gone terribly wrong in the galaxy far, far away: Spiders have infiltrated Star Wars.


Image Credit: Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order | EA


The first salvo was fired last year, with the release of Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order, a decent character action game that showed a lot of promise. It also showed a whole lot of spiders. Giant, disgusting spiders that you had to fight with lightsabers and the Force. They didn’t even bother to dress them up to fit the setting, they’re just big, spindly, hairy… I have to take a break. 


Okay, I’m back. 


So the second and most recent occurrence of this grim phenomenon came in the form of the newest episode of the stellar The Mandalorian series on Disney+. The second episode of its second season featured our favorite force-using muppet baby and it’s tall, dark, and shiny bodyguard encountering a gratuitous amount of killer, carnivorous arachnids of all shapes and sizes. These Krykna, hatched from eggs and filled the screen skittering and bearing down horrendously on our heroes. 


Or so I was warned by a handful of concerned friends who like glorious, winged angels swooped down to shield my eyes from evil immeasurable. 


Image Credit: The Mandalorian | Disney+

In photos: My friends protecting me 


Now I know that in the old Star Wars Legends there have been all sorts of spider alien races, spider assassins, and trees made out of the husks of dead spiders, milling about. So they’re not exactly new to the franchise but I’ve never had to SEE or HEAR them before-not like these past few years. I hope this isn’t going to be a regular occurrence for the franchise moving forward. However, the real question here is why?


All of the mainstream incarnations of Star Wars have led me to believe that it was free from the tyranny of the Eight-legged Ones. Why have they succumbed to them now? Have they brokered an unholy pact to secure the box office with their unwavering arachnid appeal? Is it a convoluted plot for Binks to seize power? Who has woven this tangled web of lies? What do the Flat-Tatooiners have to do with this? If Rey was a Palpatine then Ackbar…


Editor’s Note: This continues on for 46 more pages. We have edited for brevity.

We’re worried about Raffy. Are you? Let us know in the comments below. For more of hilarious articles check out The World of Adorable Home is a Utopia that Runs on Love and We Have Questions  and My NBA Success has Caused Me and My Virtual Best Friend to Drift Apart

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